People in bars tend to surprise you with the most wicked stories and weird ways of telling them.
Eating little Koala Bears, commiting suicide by jumping from the Hollywood sign .. those are old shoes, my grandma could come up with those tales.

What really impresses me, is the story from tonight: I go to a couchsurfing meeting, with low expectiations to draw in other people’s faces or on their butts by the abuse of “The most washable markers in the world”.
I enter the rancid bar, some Canadian ice hockey thing where usually just men with a SOP are hanging out (Semen-Over-Pressure, e.g. someone whose only girlfriends are made of inflateable latex). Ouch, the people look dirty. In midst all those drunkards I encounter our romantic group of about twenty globetrotting fans, the couchsurfers.

I happen to talk to a girl who doesn’t look very good … but has an amazing job: She analyzes shit.
Cow shit. Rancid pieces of cow shit. Just kidding, the pieces are fresh and still warm.

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Guide on how to analyze shit (as told to me by the girl who studies poo)

First of all, you need an experiment idea. You are studying biology and want your masters degree, so why not study crap for it. Let’s suppose you have the idea to find out about the prevention of heartburn in dairy cows (female cows who give milk) through comparing the food that goes in and the feces that come out.
Next, you need cows. The girl has thirty cows somewhere in a farming town in the United States.

That’s the point when you put down pen and paper – let’s be serious, burocratics can be a shitty way to waste your time – and get your hands full of warm, brown poo. A hands-on-experience that is guaranteed the shit! No pun intended.
So, go up to the cows every six hours – 3 in the morning is your start. Pat the cow’s ass to wake her up – and as soon as the cow rises and stands up, be ready with a cup under her rectal outlet. Cows are namely not getting boners (erected penis) as a wakeup-reflex; no, they take a dump.

Actually, cows are pretty weird. You can train them so that they go voluntarily in a stall where there are little lasers detecting their nipples and automatically lactating them (sucking out the milk). If the cow could, it would walk around the shed and right in again. Not because it’s sexually arousing to get lactated (who said that?) but because it’s a relief… like taking a dump!

FLATCH! The doodoo falls in your cup, success!
Repeat this on all thirty cows every 6 hours. After a couple of days the shit will be stacked up in your living room higher than your head. Time to examine it.
Study the scat in a laboratory and analyze the content under a microscope – getting a close look of cow bollocks is an unforgettable experience for the whole family!
Now, you find out that you actually want to study the DNA contained within the shit, and for that, you need the Canadian national lab in Montreal. So, put all your shit in your car and drive to the border.
“Miss, you can’t just bring shit from the US to Canada!”
“But Sir, I just want to look at shit in Canada that I collected in the United States!”

The boerder guard will let you fill out a lot of paperwork – like “Shit immigration I-224”, “Feces Transfer form R26” and “Alliance of the Shit Certificate A2”. After filling out that stuff concerning your shit, you can cross the border with a trunk full of poo. And one night, meet an Austrian in a bar and tell him the whole thing.

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After finishing my conversation about shit, cockroaches, manboobs and milk, I approach a group on the next table. One guy is looking for a less-than-800$-car to go to a crash derby with it. According to the fairytales, you just pay 25$ to participate, and instead of driving on muddy ground with a shitty car, you are driving on ice.

Not to forget that girl that seems horny, tells me about watching old people playing benjo and how much fun that is, and her financial problems after the economic crisis. I daze off a bit and am sure:

If I can’t lactate myself, I’ll join an ice crash derby and afterwards analyze the shit in my pants. But to be honest, I cannot tell which is more probable since there are two guys I know who can actually sqeeze milk out of their nipples.

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