Der Zufall will es, dass Lorena – wir treffen sie zum ersten Mal in der Alligator-Story – auf eine katholische Maedchenschule geht. Und abgesehen von dem, was man von solchen Schulen sieht – kleine Maedchen in geilen Uniformen – bleiben die Geheimnisse meistens wohlgehuetet hinter dem Stacheldraht und Minenfeldbarrieren jener Schulen.
Ein tiefer Inside-Look in die moderne Maedchenschule, ein magenumdrehendes Achterbahnerlebnis der Leseskills. Wer sich schmutzige Klatschpresse-Geheimnisse erwartet, der sollte jetzt ganz schnell heisse Popcorn und kalte Cola holen… und diesen exzellenten, herzzerreissenden Artikel geniessen.

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by Lorena Martinez

First of all, people’s assumption is that girls at an all girl’s school are feminine and conservative. In reality, it’s probably the ways you would never want to see girls.
True, we do become more outspoken in classroom discussions and more comfortable with ourselves, since we don’t have any guys to impress or be intimidated by. But I think its safe to say that we become way too comfortable. The first thing that comes to mind when I say this is that fact that over half of the girls don’t shave on a regular basis. Sometimes, there are even contests to see who can go on without shaving the longest. It’s absolutely disgusting, but it’s true.

Another gross occurrence is athletic girls. For some reason some girls find it unnecessary to shower after their sport practices and show up to school the following day with the residue of the sweat form the previous night’s workout. Even girls that don’t do sports sometimes don’t shower for a few days and you can see the build-up-oil from their hair.
Let’s move on from hygiene to appearance.

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Uniforms

At my school, our school skirts are probably the shortest article of clothing 50% of the girls have – and for the other 50%, the longest. It is supposed to be enforced that our skirts are not to be more than 4 inches above our knees. And you would maybe think that because there are no boys, following this rule would be no problem… but for some reason, skirts are a lot shorter than they should be.
Last year, they even put the school logo on the skirt so we could only hem it to a certain point (the logo had to be still visible). Those of us who have been at the school long enough, have a bigger tolerance about boundaries – so we keep out skirts short.
In contrast to that, there are those girls whose skirts end where their knee socks start (which looks pathetic).

The first day of school, the skirts usually have an appropriate length, but as the year goes by, the same skirts get miraculously shorter. The secret key for not getting in trouble for your skirt length is: Being friends with all the teachers.

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On those rare and special days that we get to go to school without our uniforms are – surprisingly – the most stressful ones. You have to plan out your outfit because people will talk about your outfits. That’s when the girl bitchiness (GB) comes out. GB is – of course – the worst part of attending an all girls’ school. Every one takes everything personally; we talk shit about everyone, talk behind everyone’s back, and are completely two-faced. Although no-uniform-days can be embarrassing, they are far from the cruelty of what follows:

The worst of the worst days are PMS daysPre Menstrual Symptoms days.
A girl’s bitchiest, most emotional, sensitive days. You can say, these are the days of Ultra-GB. And since we all go through it, no one can really complain about it.
Although its overwhelming to have a group of bitches in their time of the month in the same room, it’s hilarious how you can walk into a class room and ask for a tampon and not care, or how you can ask for such things by just screaming it across the hall. Our poor male teachers have so much to put up with.
My English teacher (whom I call Mr. V. [name changed by Red.]) always complains about our behavior –

  • how girls sit with their legs wide open during class,
  • make gross noises,
  • don’t wear shorts under their skirts (so you can see everything when they walk up the stairs),
  • how girls find it necessary to scream vagina and penis randomly,
  • and how we take off half of our uniforms during lunch time to try to get tanned in the quad.

On of the most painful issues that male teachers have to put up with is the girls liking them. Last year there were four main victims: Mr. V. (in his 40’s, those few girls who don’t hate him, truly love him), Mr. C., (26 years old, tries to keep his personal life as personal as possible, but always gets himself in awkward situations), Hardy (a sexy guy from Washington – he was sexy until we found out that he broke up with his girlfriend on her birthday), and of course: Mr. K. (29 years old but looks like 20).
Although none of them are single, they are our obsession. For Mr. K.’s birthday, we baked him cakes, made him t-shirts and gave him balloons. And we all have files on our computers with pictures of him, there are even facebook albums dedicated to him. Mr. V. is the kind of bitch that you love to hate and hate to love. But I’m proud to love him. He crosses the line of teacher-student relationship all the time and has no filter to what he says. Even if he’s a British Literature teacher, I have learned from him more about life than anyone else. At the same time, I have been burned by him, he has called me retarded more than a few times and makes fun of me constantly. I used to take it personally – but we reached a point now where I just talk back to him and we get into one-on-one fights in the middle of class which always end with appreciation towards each other.

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Classroom environments in all-girl-schools are also quite unique. I myself have been to a co-ed (mixed genders) school and I must say that classes are equally as fun with or without boys. Our religion classes are probably the best.
In the Freshman year, the class was not very interesting since we mostly just talked about the bible (what a religion class in a catholic private school is probably considered to be).

Sophomore year however, we had the most amazing religion class: Love, Choices and Commitment (LCC).
Ask Toby, he read my complete LCC-notebook.

The first thing our teacher said to us was: “I’m not here to tell you sex is bad. Trust me, sex is wonderful, and it feels FANTASTIC!” And so the year begun.
In that class we learned all about boys and how they “are visual creatures”. She told us that in school dances and comparable events we should ‘leave room for Jesus’. For ten days, we even had so-called “Egg babies” – non-cooked eggs that represented infants. You had to carry them around in a basket and take care of them; for the record, I had twin boys (with no sexually transmitted diseases, luckily enough)! Our teacher was a little too obsessed with sex, but it made the class unforgettable.

When the Junior year came, my theology class transformed to Contemporary Moral Issues. In this class my teacher would talk about how useless men are, due to a trauma she has from her personal love life. She would constantly make fun of a Viagra commercial she saw a lot.
Despite this dedication, my most sexual class last year was my English class, in which Mr. V. called us his “cheeky little monkeys”, and the most frequently used word was “BANG”. We even had to start calling that class “Vegas” to insure that what happened there, stayed there.

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Another misconception is that girls at an all girl’s school never interact with boys. In reality: that’s all we talk about. Boys are the central conversation topic for every day, every class example, every everything. And if any guy steps onto our campus (even if he’s completely Quasimodo-ugly), every girl is bond to find out within 3 minutes .. at max. Every year we have a college all-boy’s band come sing to us and this event tends to end in chaos. All the girls freak out, scream, and attack the band members afterwards. It’s absolutely ridiculous and fabulous.

When the everyday dismissal bell rings, don’t even think about going to the bathroom. Every single inch of the bathroom will be occupied by girls putting on make up to see boys and boyfriends after school. It’s quite a sight. And then, when you walk outside our school campus, there are boys with flowers waiting for the girls since they aren’t allowed to enter the campus. One of the ways a girl’s popularity can be proven is if on Valentines day she gets candy or flowers delivered to her at school.

Apart from our favorite issue – boys, the other central topic is food. We all talk about how we need to lose weight and should become anorexic for 2 weeks…
but in reality we eat like there is no tomorrow.
For birthdays, the food of choice are always doughnuts, and girls will eat about 2 sometimes three. Then during break, we indulge ourselves with our freshly baked chocolate chips or the notorious $1.25 cafeteria cookies. During lunch, the vending machine gets completely empty – guaranteed – and the cafeteria is packed. Finally after school, you will find 1/3 of my school at the Rite-Aid across the street getting ice-cream, chips, and a shit load of junk food.

Of course as we eat, all we talk about is boys.

Special Events

In my school, special events consist of fun-school days and dances. Our fun days are welcome day and spirit week (and then there are church days which we all dread). Pep rallies are probably the funnest days because each class has a designated color – we all dress in that color and cheer up the sports team for that particular season. We put face paint on and although we still have to wear our school skirts, we try to go as all-out as possible. At the end of the day, we all sound like old men from all the screaming and every single person has a head ache.

Then events like welcome day and such is when each class including the faculty comes up with a theme and perform skits and singsongs. Basically, the reason I now love welcome day is because of last year’s faculty skit. The teachers acted out Elmo‘s first day in school, and Elmo was played by Mr. C. (the 26 year old male teacher). Well, Elmo wore tight red pants, and let’s just say … Elmo got excited. It was the talk of the school for the first month.

Finally, the dances. The two big ones are winter formal and prom. This is when we have to act like the ‘gentlemen’. We have to pay for the $50-100 tickets, the limos and the after parties. For this the girls do shave, take showers and you will see a school wide attempt of dieting a few weeks prior to the event. Half of the girls bring a guy and the other girl’s go ‘stag’. During the dance, the teachers will interrupt a passionately dancing couple and remind them to leave space for Jesus.

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So basically…
Attending an all-girls-private-catholic school is extremely entertaining. We can get away with saying mostly anything and we can do so many things that we won’t even consider doing in the presence of boys. Today was my first day of school, and the first thing the girl I drove to school said was: Oh, my legs are so hairy today. Arriving to school was chaotic, with everyone screaming and running around. Meeting the new teachers was fun, of course and the summer rumors began to travel around campus. During break, I had my first bite of the cafeteria cookies which was delicious. Leaving school, I saw a bunch of boys waiting outside the gate … and so the year starts again in its good old fashion.

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Well, not completely, to be honest.
This year, the uniform rules are being enforced with dramatically increaseing tough love. Every teacher has been told to give students (with uniform violations) detention.
Detention at my school, by the way,  means that you have to go to a class room for an hour after school, and during these 60 minutes, you are not allowed to do anything. If you fall asleep or even close your eyes, you are told to return another day for another detention.

Anyways, this year the teachers are litterally walking around with rulers, measuring the skirt lengths, with a stack of detention forms in their hands. If our skirts are too short, we have to go to the deans office, and trade our too-short skirts with hers, which are significantly longer. This very new year the dean walks into classrooms randomly to do a a lineup of all the girls and test their skirt length . Every time she walks in, I have to adjust my skirt from my waist to my hips. And our new ‘motivation’ to wear proper uniform is a free-dress day at the end of each quarter. Other rules being enforced are tucked-in oxford shirts, and knee socks on Wednesdays.
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